-------------------------------------------------- Jokes to offend almost anyone! Compiled by Stu C -------------------------------------------------- What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job. What do you call a female clown ? A Clunt. What's the difference between a nigger and a tyre ? Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them. Did you hear about the Irish man who asked to be a Johoves Witness ? He refused because he hadn't seen the accident. Why do niggers carry shit in their wallets ? For identification. Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank ? He was caught drinking on the job. What's the perfect definition of a woman ? a) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put a beer on it. b) The Sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. Why does Ray Charles smile all the time ? Because he doesn't know he's black. Did you hear about the gay burglar ? He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator. Did you hear about the gay Indian ? He jumped into his canoe, took three strokes and shot across the lake. How do you get four gays on a bar stool ? Turn it upside down. Why don't black cheerleaders do the splits ? Because if they did they would stick to the floor. Why do blacks wear wide brimmed hats ? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips. Why do blacks wear platform shoes ? To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground. What do elephants use for tampons ? Sheep. How do you say "FUCK YOU" in Jewish ? "Trust Me". Define Jewish foreplay. Two hours of begging. What do you get when you cross a nigger with Bo Derek ? 10 of spades. Why don't Irish people eat pickles ? Because they can't get their heads into the jars. Why don't Italians eat fleas ? Because they can't get their little legs apart. How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant ? Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Why did God make urine yellow and come white ? So the Irish could tell if they were coming or going. What has six legs and eats pussy ? You, me and Billy Jean King. What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes ? Slow natives. What's better that roses on you piano ? Two lips on your organ. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a gorilla ? A dumb gorilla. What does it say inside a nigger's lip ? Inflate to 20 pounds. Did you hear about the new Irish parachute ? It opens on impact. Why do niggers have such small steering wheels ? So they can drive with handcuffs on. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza ? A pizza doesn't screen when you put it in an oven. Did you know that the Chalenger astronauts had dandruff ? They left there Head & Shoulders all over America. Why do Jews have such big noses ? Air is free. Why did the nigger trade in his wife for a toilet ? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. What did Adam say to Eve ? "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets." Why don't Italians have freckles ? They slide off. What do you have when you're up to your ankles in niggers ? Afro Turf. How do you stop a nigger from spitting ? Turn the oven down. What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ? Fred Astaire's face. What's yellow, ugly and sleeps alone ? Yoke Ono. What weighs 10 pounds and didn't get plucked last christmas ? Roy Orbison's Guitar. Why don't they have any black snow skiers ? Because their lips explode at 1,000 feet. Where is an elephant's sex organ ? In his feet. If it steps on you, you're fucked ! How many black does it take to change a light bulb ? Five. One to change the light, the other four to hold the sound equipment. Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and West Indian girls alike ? They both change their pads after three periods. What do you get if you cross a nigger and a monkey ? Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a nigger. Why does Nancy Reagen always climb on top ? Because Ronny can only fuck up. Why did God create the orgasm ? So niggers would know when to stop fucking. Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland ? They lost the recipe. What's a real mate ? Someone who'll go into town and get two blow jobs, and come back and give you one. What's black and makes you laugh ? a bus load of niggers going over a cliff. How do you save a drowning nigger ? Throw him an anchor. What do you call an Irish girl with half a brain ? Gifted. Why do women have two holes so close together ? In case you miss. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland ? A tourist. How can you tell if a woman is wearing underwear ? Look for dandruff on her shoes. Why don't niggers drive convertables ? Their lips would flap in the wind and slap then to death. What's the ultimate rejection ? When you're wanking and you're hand falls asleep. How do you tell how many niggers live in a town ? Count then windows of cellars and multiply by 36. How do you kill a West Indian ? Smash a toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with an erection ? He breaks his nose. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway ? Depends on how thin you slice them. What's the difference between a black girl and a ten pin bowling ball ? You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball. You know the barman's pissed off when you find a string hanging in your Bloody Mary. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ? Do you think you could fit that much shit in a tennis shoe. Did you hear about the Klu Klux Knieval ? He tried to jump over 6 niggers with a steamroller. How does God make Puerto Ricans ? He sandblasts niggers. Did you hear about the homosexual who left home because he didn't like the way he way being reared. Why don't blanks have cheque books ? Because it's hard to sign your name with spray paint. What is organic dental floss ? Pubic hair. Why do blacks smell so bad ? So blind people can hate then too. What are the three greatest lies ? 1) The cheque is in the post. 2) Black is beautiful. 3) I won't come in your mouth. Why do women have two holes so close together ? So you can carry then home like a six pack. How do you brainwash an Irishman ? Give him an enema. Why wasn't Christ born in the U.S.A. ? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Why do the Irish wear hats ? So they know which end to wipe. Did you hear about the Irishman who studied five days for a urine test. Why did God give niggers big dicks ? Because he fucked up their hair. ----------------------------------------------------------------- IRISHMANS' LETTER TO THE D.H.S.S. ON RECEIPT OF RECEIVING THE AIDS LEAFLET Dear Sir, I have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door, and would like to apply straight away for AIDS. I have been on the dole for the past ten years, and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and any other State aid I could get. It now seems I would be getting aid for sex. It's a pity that AIDS has come so late, as I have already got 15 children, and wondered if you would be paying back payments. Your leaflet states the more sex I have, the more chance I have of getting AIDS. My only problem here is persuading the wife, who is not so keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest, and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the #17.28 which I paid out for these gadgets? Anyway, I will now explain to her that the Government will now be paying us for the sex we have, and I'm sure she will agree we can't let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass my AIDS on, but as you will understand, with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If by any chance there is a bit left over, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law, who only has her pension. I understand from your leaflet I can get AIDS from a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital right away to see when I can have one. Will the AIDS I get from the hospital be deducted from the AIDS I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know. I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the country I can get, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments? Yours faithfully SHAMUS O'TOOLE P.S. Your advert is great. I certainly won't die of ignorance - I know my rights. ----------------------------------------------------------------- THE GOOD FOOD GUIDE TO CHINESE MEAT DISHES 1 Bol Oxs...............Hot Meat balls 2 Sur Kum Sihz..........Sausage slices 3 Hol Mein Kok..........Scrag end encased in Ladyfingers 4 Kor Sor...............Rolled pork fillets rubbed in chile powder 5 Eja Ku Lait...........Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce 6 Long Dik..............Coc in Van 7 Veri Ti Rin...........Massive extrusion of forcemeat Vegetables 8 Wan Kin...............Bamboo Shoots 9 Peo Sof...............Chinese leaves 10 Wot Kung Fu Dat.......Tossed salad 11 Sik In Lu.............Sweet and sour in hot sauce 12 Pu Bik................Young Sprouts 13 Sik In Lu.............Extra number 11 14 Du Reks...............Entre coat 15 Hoo Pong In Car See...Yellow rice with meat droppings 16 Hoo Kum On Mat........Thick white rice on ryebread Sauces 17 Pei Sol...............Cantonese drippings 18 Sei Men Drip..........Delicately flavoured white sauce 19 Yu Kum................Hot custard 20 Hu Lade Turd..........Brown sauce with nuts 21 Fan Tom Ar Sol........Invisible brown sauce without nuts Specialities 22 Lik Mein..............Plate of the day 23 Fug Yu................Chinese toast 24 Munth Lei.............Popular dish of the period 25 Kow Poo...............Savoury pancakes 26 Dogie Bagg............Chinese take away 27 Ho Mo.................Sausage surprise 28 Bo Gee................Pick of the week Desserts 29 Vee Dee...............Spotted Dick 30 Kum In Yu.............Cream Squirt 31 Yu Pong...............Crap suzette 32 Kum Lots..............Extra portion of cream 33 Ars Pik...............Chocolate fingers 34 Hoo Shat In Fann......Chocolate spread 35 Or Jee................Chinese stuffing on a bed of manderins 36 Es Kie Mo Kum.........Frosted banana cream 37 Tu Tun On Goo Lies....Crushed nuts 38 Wun Hung Low..........Mixed Nuts 39 Di Rere...............Chinese afters in aromatic brown sauce 40 Hu Pong...............Chinese snifters 41 Kwik Wank.............Cream slice Beverages 42 Yu Rine...............Jasmine tea 43 Wob Li Tit............Milk shake ----------------------------------------------------------------- Special High Intensity Training ------------------------------- In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) programme. If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you. BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) ----------------------------------------------------------------- TV RACE RELATIONS BOARD Due to the vast influx of commonwealth citizens into London Suburbs the B.B.C. are pleased to announce a change in the programmes to suit our Commonwealth Cousins. SUNDAY 7.15 Singh Something Simple 8.00 The Hohammedin Line 9.50 The Ghandi Williams Show 10.30 Wogs my Line MONDAY 4.30 Watch with Buddha 5.15 Asian Wide 6.30 Currynation Street 7.00 Singh-a-Long-a-Paks 9.00 Ali as Smith and Jones TUESDAY 2.00 Andy Ghandi 3.30 Pakanory 4.30 Brown Peter WEDNESDAY 1.45 The Wooden Wogs 2.00 Ranjit and Sanjit, the Flower Pot Men 4.30 Crackerpak 5.00 The Pak & White Minstrel Show THURSDAY 5.00 Journey Hindu Space 8.00 Pakerama 9.25 Please Sahib 10.00 Bless this Hut SATURDAY 5.30 Cooniversity Challenge 8.45 Amin called Ironside 10.00 Batch of the Day PLEASE NOTE: None of the above Programmes are transmitted in colour. -----------------------------------------------------------------